The Beginning

My beginnings are much the same as yours. Two people came together and I was the by product of that union. My parents went to school at Ricks in Idaho and then both went to BYU were they met. I was raised LDS and to some that a good indication of how I was raised. My parents were very conservative, yet very strict. Partly being that I was the oldest of six children I was expected to live by example. We didn't drink Cola and the sabbath day was always kept holy. For me being raised in the church I didn't doubt the church...or even come close to thinking there was anything out there that came close to making the church not true. I went through life with no desire to sin...and when I say sin I mean biggies in a LDS view. Of course I struggled as much as the rest of the world with envy, honesty and charity. But I strived to be the best I could be. For the most part you could say I LOVED the church. I didn't look at any aspect of it and find fault with it. I don't know if that was because I was conditioned to not question leadership or if it was my people pleasing attitude of an oldest child. My Mom left the church when I was 18 years old. She gave no reason as to why she did. I was completely heartbroken....as much as I was when she left my Dad one year later.

Been thinking a lot

I have been thinking a lot...so much that I am pretty sick of the internal dialog going on inside my head. I want to write whats going on and start my journey forward in my life an dare to finish my escape from Mormonism. I think I will need to start at the beginning, to give my story complete context. Being it will cover many years it will take a couple posts to do so...here we go!

Do I have a Soul?

Finally moving past my Mormonism I am really trying to grasp those questions that have plagued the ages...Where did we come from? I understand the basic plan of evolution. But where did organic life, even just on a cellular level originate? Hmmm I don't know why this bothers me so.
Then the second thing that is on my mind is what am I. Maybe there just isn't a answer to that question. Is there anything inside of me that isn't a product of environment, genetics, birth-order and hormones? I want there to be part of me that makes me special. You know "Daughter of God" type stuff. I have been racking my brain looking over my life and all my choices trying to find some desire or goal that was completely me and not some indoctrination or natural desire. I try to talk to my DH about this stuff and he will not discuss it. He says none of it matters. In in a sense he is right, knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything. He believes in a God, but he really doesn't say much. He finally has seen what the LDS church really was and for that I am grateful.



I feel an empty spot inside of me, the spot where faith, religion and a sense of knowing your place in the universe. I am open to any ideas, and it this point would love to hear how others have made peace with these subjects.

Can anyone recommend any good books or authors that talk about these types of subjects? I tried looking online but the quantum physics really are way out of my league of understanding.

Where did it all begin?

I have been watching a lot of science shows on tv. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the theories and physics of it all. For me to try to imagine the boundries of a Universe and the beginning of a universe is too much for my poor brain. Then they are just theories, based on the small amount of knowledge that we have aquired in our short human history.

What is really bothering me...is where did all organic matter originate? I just can't seem to find something that 'makes sense'. I have looked into religion and found nothing there...and yet the scientific community can't answer that either. I hate to think I will die and cease to be. But with the small amount of evidence and from what I remember before birth that is what awaits.

hmmmm

Families are Forever....ahhh *Insert warm fuzzies*

Its how they hold you hostage. I would say for most of us our families are the most important things. Sure in our youth we think everything but our families. But as we grow up we find that family truly can be a source of joy. The LDS church did a lot of 'hostage' type scare antics with me. One year we just didn't have enough; food, money or time. When it came time for tithing settlement the Bishop said even though we had tried to pay tithing we needed to pay a full tithe. They told us it would be best for us to go and get a LOAN to pay for the tithing owed. Can you imagine, but here is where they get you. He asked, isn't your family and 'fire' insurance worth it?

I think my Dad feels really bad. For so many of his kids have left the LDS church now. He will never get the 'family forever' that the LDS church has had him sacrifice for. Yet he doesn't give up, because the church/lord/god/prophet have all promised that if he is obedient and follows all the commadnments his children will come back.

Family First its the LDS motto, but when you live an active LDS life its not always the case. After serving in several leadership positions I can tell you family did come first but at a cost. I like several of these personal insights from www.postmormon.org

• Yup, Mormons are ALL about the family.
  
  In Joseph's day, a man could have as many families as he wanted! How's THAT for being a family-oriented church?
  
• ALL you have to do to see your children get married is pay 10% of your gross earnings to the monster billion-dollar enterprise that is LDS, Inc. and you can watch! What's more important than being at your child's wedding, for crying out loud? (Of course, if you DON'T pay the money, you'll be waiting outside while everyone ELSE watches your child get married. Isn't 10% of all your money worth it to see your happy child dressed in the robes of the Priesthood and a bright green apron on their wedding day?)
  
• As long as you line up and do exactly what the church tells you, you can keep your family happy with you. Don't ask questions, don't think for yourself, and whatever you do, DON'T leave the church, no matter what! Because then your family will pitty you, or shun you, or preach to you, or disown you, or cry when they see you, or send the missionaries to hound you, all because they want their eternal family and YOU f***ed that up.
  
• The GOOD news though, is that men get to call all the shots in the family! That's good, because he holds the Priesthood, and knows what God wants. Make sure you never leave the man in your life, though, because HE gets the kids in the eternities. And should you do something REALLY stupid, and marry a non-member, then not only does your Priesthood holder exhusband get the kids you had with him, but he ALSO gets the kids you had with your new husband! Isn't that great? Because that way, your kids will be sealed to a CELESTIAL family who can be together forever, rather than your miserable Terrestrial family that is over when you kick the bucket.
  
• On Sunday, God needs the husbands/fathers to serve in a variety of inane capacities, and keeps many of them busy for up to 8 hours on the Sabbath. That helps to ensure their righteousness! And you benefit from having such a righteous husband or father who is out blessing the lives of the sick and afflicted and widowed and the really HOT YW President who was recently divorced and who requires a great deal of succor at the moment. Nothing keeps a family stronger than having the man of the house gone all Sunday.
  It's hard for me to conceive of a church that is more family oriented than the Mormons...

(This was by Peter_Mary)

Joseph Smith...and his wives

I am so sick of LDS telling me that its my fault that I didn't know Joseph Smith had 30+ wives. Never in all my years in girls camp, efy, Education week, Seminary or any other program did ANYONE tell me that Joseph was married to other women. Let alone young girls and women who where already married. I want to vent about this but don't have time tonight. But I do have a link that is from the LDS church talking about all the 'wives'

http://farms.byu.edu/publications/review/?vol=20&num=2&id=721

Big Love's Temple Scene from Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FX0mAc39okE

Here it is, I just watched it. I didn't see the excommunication scene. I still am shocked that they were able to get all of the details. Having been through the Temple I wonder what I would of thought of this say 5 years ago. I really would of been outraged. Now when I see it I am sad. I didn't know at the time that Joseph Smith had stole the Ceremony from the Masons. So many of my LDS family and friends are hurt by this showing. I feel bad that they hurt, and I feel bad that I can't tell them the truth. The church has lied and they can't keep those lies hidden any longer. It will be interesting to see the impact of the Internet and those willing to tell the truth with have on the church. Maybe nothing will change, yet maybe if just some find the truth....maybe they can finally be free. I wish they had shown the commitment in the Temple where you promise to 'give all' you have to the church. That is a huge promise and a promise that really weighed heavy on us financially for many years. I have to admit its nice having the extra money around now that usually the church got.