The Beginning

My beginnings are much the same as yours. Two people came together and I was the by product of that union. My parents went to school at Ricks in Idaho and then both went to BYU were they met. I was raised LDS and to some that a good indication of how I was raised. My parents were very conservative, yet very strict. Partly being that I was the oldest of six children I was expected to live by example. We didn't drink Cola and the sabbath day was always kept holy. For me being raised in the church I didn't doubt the church...or even come close to thinking there was anything out there that came close to making the church not true. I went through life with no desire to sin...and when I say sin I mean biggies in a LDS view. Of course I struggled as much as the rest of the world with envy, honesty and charity. But I strived to be the best I could be. For the most part you could say I LOVED the church. I didn't look at any aspect of it and find fault with it. I don't know if that was because I was conditioned to not question leadership or if it was my people pleasing attitude of an oldest child. My Mom left the church when I was 18 years old. She gave no reason as to why she did. I was completely heartbroken....as much as I was when she left my Dad one year later.

Been thinking a lot

I have been thinking a lot...so much that I am pretty sick of the internal dialog going on inside my head. I want to write whats going on and start my journey forward in my life an dare to finish my escape from Mormonism. I think I will need to start at the beginning, to give my story complete context. Being it will cover many years it will take a couple posts to do so...here we go!

Do I have a Soul?

Finally moving past my Mormonism I am really trying to grasp those questions that have plagued the ages...Where did we come from? I understand the basic plan of evolution. But where did organic life, even just on a cellular level originate? Hmmm I don't know why this bothers me so.
Then the second thing that is on my mind is what am I. Maybe there just isn't a answer to that question. Is there anything inside of me that isn't a product of environment, genetics, birth-order and hormones? I want there to be part of me that makes me special. You know "Daughter of God" type stuff. I have been racking my brain looking over my life and all my choices trying to find some desire or goal that was completely me and not some indoctrination or natural desire. I try to talk to my DH about this stuff and he will not discuss it. He says none of it matters. In in a sense he is right, knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything. He believes in a God, but he really doesn't say much. He finally has seen what the LDS church really was and for that I am grateful.



I feel an empty spot inside of me, the spot where faith, religion and a sense of knowing your place in the universe. I am open to any ideas, and it this point would love to hear how others have made peace with these subjects.

Can anyone recommend any good books or authors that talk about these types of subjects? I tried looking online but the quantum physics really are way out of my league of understanding.

Where did it all begin?

I have been watching a lot of science shows on tv. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the theories and physics of it all. For me to try to imagine the boundries of a Universe and the beginning of a universe is too much for my poor brain. Then they are just theories, based on the small amount of knowledge that we have aquired in our short human history.

What is really bothering me...is where did all organic matter originate? I just can't seem to find something that 'makes sense'. I have looked into religion and found nothing there...and yet the scientific community can't answer that either. I hate to think I will die and cease to be. But with the small amount of evidence and from what I remember before birth that is what awaits.

hmmmm

Families are Forever....ahhh *Insert warm fuzzies*

Its how they hold you hostage. I would say for most of us our families are the most important things. Sure in our youth we think everything but our families. But as we grow up we find that family truly can be a source of joy. The LDS church did a lot of 'hostage' type scare antics with me. One year we just didn't have enough; food, money or time. When it came time for tithing settlement the Bishop said even though we had tried to pay tithing we needed to pay a full tithe. They told us it would be best for us to go and get a LOAN to pay for the tithing owed. Can you imagine, but here is where they get you. He asked, isn't your family and 'fire' insurance worth it?

I think my Dad feels really bad. For so many of his kids have left the LDS church now. He will never get the 'family forever' that the LDS church has had him sacrifice for. Yet he doesn't give up, because the church/lord/god/prophet have all promised that if he is obedient and follows all the commadnments his children will come back.

Family First its the LDS motto, but when you live an active LDS life its not always the case. After serving in several leadership positions I can tell you family did come first but at a cost. I like several of these personal insights from www.postmormon.org

• Yup, Mormons are ALL about the family.
  
  In Joseph's day, a man could have as many families as he wanted! How's THAT for being a family-oriented church?
  
• ALL you have to do to see your children get married is pay 10% of your gross earnings to the monster billion-dollar enterprise that is LDS, Inc. and you can watch! What's more important than being at your child's wedding, for crying out loud? (Of course, if you DON'T pay the money, you'll be waiting outside while everyone ELSE watches your child get married. Isn't 10% of all your money worth it to see your happy child dressed in the robes of the Priesthood and a bright green apron on their wedding day?)
  
• As long as you line up and do exactly what the church tells you, you can keep your family happy with you. Don't ask questions, don't think for yourself, and whatever you do, DON'T leave the church, no matter what! Because then your family will pitty you, or shun you, or preach to you, or disown you, or cry when they see you, or send the missionaries to hound you, all because they want their eternal family and YOU f***ed that up.
  
• The GOOD news though, is that men get to call all the shots in the family! That's good, because he holds the Priesthood, and knows what God wants. Make sure you never leave the man in your life, though, because HE gets the kids in the eternities. And should you do something REALLY stupid, and marry a non-member, then not only does your Priesthood holder exhusband get the kids you had with him, but he ALSO gets the kids you had with your new husband! Isn't that great? Because that way, your kids will be sealed to a CELESTIAL family who can be together forever, rather than your miserable Terrestrial family that is over when you kick the bucket.
  
• On Sunday, God needs the husbands/fathers to serve in a variety of inane capacities, and keeps many of them busy for up to 8 hours on the Sabbath. That helps to ensure their righteousness! And you benefit from having such a righteous husband or father who is out blessing the lives of the sick and afflicted and widowed and the really HOT YW President who was recently divorced and who requires a great deal of succor at the moment. Nothing keeps a family stronger than having the man of the house gone all Sunday.
  It's hard for me to conceive of a church that is more family oriented than the Mormons...

(This was by Peter_Mary)

Joseph Smith...and his wives

I am so sick of LDS telling me that its my fault that I didn't know Joseph Smith had 30+ wives. Never in all my years in girls camp, efy, Education week, Seminary or any other program did ANYONE tell me that Joseph was married to other women. Let alone young girls and women who where already married. I want to vent about this but don't have time tonight. But I do have a link that is from the LDS church talking about all the 'wives'

http://farms.byu.edu/publications/review/?vol=20&num=2&id=721

Big Love's Temple Scene from Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FX0mAc39okE

Here it is, I just watched it. I didn't see the excommunication scene. I still am shocked that they were able to get all of the details. Having been through the Temple I wonder what I would of thought of this say 5 years ago. I really would of been outraged. Now when I see it I am sad. I didn't know at the time that Joseph Smith had stole the Ceremony from the Masons. So many of my LDS family and friends are hurt by this showing. I feel bad that they hurt, and I feel bad that I can't tell them the truth. The church has lied and they can't keep those lies hidden any longer. It will be interesting to see the impact of the Internet and those willing to tell the truth with have on the church. Maybe nothing will change, yet maybe if just some find the truth....maybe they can finally be free. I wish they had shown the commitment in the Temple where you promise to 'give all' you have to the church. That is a huge promise and a promise that really weighed heavy on us financially for many years. I have to admit its nice having the extra money around now that usually the church got.

Big Love Temple Cerermony...too sacred?

What is Sacred? If you look it up online you will find that Sacred is defined as: Holiness, or sanctity, is in general the state of being holy In other contexts, objects are often considered 'holy' or 'sacred' if used for spiritual purposes, such as the worship or service of gods. These terms can also be used in a non-spiritual or semi-spiritual context ("sacred truths" in a constitution). It is often ascribed to people ("a holy man" of religious occupation, "holy prophet" who is venerated by his followers), objects ("sacred artifact" that is worshipped), times ("holy days" of spiritual introspection, such as during winter holidays), or places ("sacred ground", "holy place").

There is a lot in the media right now concerning the HBO series Big Love. They will be depicting and LDS endowment. I feel somewhat knowledgeable about this. First off I have been through the LDS temple and received my LDS endowment. I feel like I can see both sides, yet know why the Church wants it kept "secret"...I mean "sacred".

There are A LOT of scare tactics in the LDS temple Ceremony. I was only 19 years old and I felt like I was being blackmailed. By God himself of course, but in retrospect by the LDS Church. You make promises to NEVER tell anyone about it. You see it then become secret(sacred). But why not tell anyone. Well to put it simply much if not most of what goes on in the LDS temple is a complete knock off from the Masons Ceremony. Here is a web site that compares the two side by side.
http://www.mormonismi.info/jamesdavid/masendow.htm

Again why the secrecy? Well I believe it was to hide the fact that it is copied from the Masons. Still to this day, I have so many uneasy feelings about the whole things. But at least I am now in a place to heal from it.

So Big Love is going to show the Endowment. Good for them, its feels almost validating to know that the Church isn't going to be able to hide all of its "warts" with the attention it is getting now. The showing of the Endowment will surely be an eye opener for Masons around the world. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

My Exit story...from 2007

I just have to share my story because there is no one else but your guys who will understand. My history is that I come from parents who went to Ricks College and then to BYU and were married in the Salt Lake temple. They were the True Blue Mormons that did 'everything' right. My Mom after 21 years of marriage and 6 kids left my Dad and the church. So much for all those weekly family councils, family home evenings and family scripture study (don't they promise protection of the family unit?) At first I was horrible to my Mom, I had a bishop flat out tell me that the church has to weed out its unfaithful and my mom needed to be weeded out. Well I was married shortly after that for 10 years.

My husband and I were active but we didn't attend the temple as often because of its far distance from our home. But other than that we did all the motions of a typical active mormon family. In October of 2005 my DH got very busy with work and had to be out of town every other day. He met a 21 year old hotel clerk (who happened to be mormon) and had a brief affair with her. He chose our family and it took a lot of counseling to put us back together. What hurt me was what the Priesthood leaders told me:"You are to forgive him now or as quickly as possible"I knew I needed to forgive not just from a church standpoint but for my own mental health. But I thought it needed to be on my own time.

So as I am working on forgiving, one night I was doing Internet search for forgiveness and adultery LDS (I think those were my search terms) and I stumbled upon some information on the 'Pearl of Great Price' that Revelation shook my core. But I wasn't ready to give up. I fought and fought to prove to myself that the church was true. But reading the Book of Mormon just made me have more doubts. compounded on that was a Stake president that was "elected" and it almost sealed my fate. The stake president is a bad/dishonest business man and everyone knows it but says...what he does in his business doesn't reflect upon his holy calling??? WHAT?????

Anyways here I am I still am wearing my "G's"(holy garments) and I want out of Utah so bad I cry. Luckily my DH is on this same road of discovery too. I try not to say much because I feel it needs to be done on his own. I am at a loss what to do. I live in a small community if we leave the church we will be shunned. I don't know about my kids I want them to be taught charity and kindness but none of that judgmental stuff.I am lucky that both my parents will support me with my choice...but my DH won't be so lucky with his family. I really don't know where to go from here.

Coming out of the closet!

I am a Post Mormon. I still am technically on the LDS roll books but I haven't graced a chapel for over a year now. Never in a million years would I think that I would find myself in this situation. To an outsider looking in, it must seem uncomplicated. But when your whole world revolved around a church and you walk away from it.....it takes a lot of self reinventing to move on.

I have a lot of issues now, that I am Post-Mormon. Issues that I didn't know even existed until I had left the church. But before I get into that I must say why I left. I left because it is a fraud, and the 'Church' lied to me. They lied about the history and took great lengths to hide it. They brainwash you, and your children.

I hope this Blog is a healing place....sit back and enjoy